Struggle and Tears (Sarah Brandt)

Life has meaning only in the struggles.
Triumph or defeat is in the hands of the Gods.
So let us celebrate the struggles.
                                    -Swahili Warrior Song

I get up in the morning and head off to a job that I love. As a pediatrician, it is truly miraculous to be along for the ride as a needy infant (who only sleeps when held) becomes an opinionated toddler (“No! Mine!”) then changes into a gap-toothed school-aged kid (with her nose stuck in Harry Potter) and finally grows to be an idealistic yet rebellious young adult (eye rolls at parents abound). My greatest joys are looking into the open and wondering eyes of a newborn, answering knock-knock jokes made up on the fly, and hearing high-schoolers’ uncompromising opinions about current events.

I have practiced medicine for 24 years and have lived through several outbreaks: H1N1, Ebola, Measles, as well as yearly Adenovirus, Norovirus, RSV (Respiratory Syncytial Virus) and Influenza. Right from the start, it was clear that Covid-19 was beyond anyone’s wildest imagination. When the “Shelter in Place” order was announced in March, it was the first time that I doubted my choice to become a physician. I was terrified that I would become infected and bring Covid-19 home to my family. I wanted to stay home with my kids. I wanted to spend my days reading and going for long walks in the spring sunshine.

While my friends and family members worked from home, cleaned out closets, painted walls and watched endless hours of Netflix, I drove on empty apocalyptic roads to arrive at our clinic and gear up for the day in scrubs, N95 masks, goggles, gown and gloves. Despite having adequate PPE (personal protective equipment), the fear of contracting the virus was (and still is) in my mind. This fear added an additional level of stress beyond the general uncertainties about what this novel coronavirus would do to our world. I found myself exhausted at the end of the day. I couldn’t wait to crawl into bed.

I had heard and used the phrase “Let go and let God” numerous times throughout my life. I whisper it to myself when I feel an inner resistance of trying to force something. I say the prayer “Let go and let God” when I am trying to control the uncontrollable. Over several months of living during the pandemic, it became clear that we were in for a long haul. In order to get back to enjoying my work, I had to let go and let God.

2020 brought a pandemic. For me, it also brought a deeper awareness and trust. I cannot control everything. I can only do what needs to be done in the moment. Worrying doesn’t help and often hinders. Psalm 55:22: “Leave all your cares and anxieties at the feet of the Lord, and measureless grace will strengthen you.” I don’t have all the answers, and that is absolutely fine. Life’s greatest gifts aren’t wrapped in pretty packages, they often come with struggle and tears.